End of the Night

How often have I placed my head at the pillow at the end of a day, ready for what hopes to transpire into a refreshing night's sleep, only to be gripped by thoughts pertaining to the day.  Many times these thoughts haunt me - not like frightening experiences of some sort of dreaded horror, but rather thoughts of regrets.  I find myself regretting lots of things.  

I regret not spending more time enjoying God and instead chasing petty things.  I regret not living out my faith more genuinely.  I regret not be more patient, loving, caring, thoughtful, strong, righteous, adventurous, holy, compassionate and so forth.  I regret the sin in my life.  Oh how I have lots of regrets.  And I hate each one of them.

I so desire to live my life in such a way that at the end of my life, at that final end of the night, that I have no regrets.  I want to live in a way in which regret is not part of my vocabulary, nor part of my thought process.  But I know I'm a sinner.  I know that I will fall.  I know that I will let other's down, including myself.  I know that I in no way shape or form can live up to God's standard of holiness.  And so I will live with regret.  But I will not live defeated.  

I think of Paul in Romans 7:14- 25

¹⁴ We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. ¹⁵ I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶ And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷ As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸ I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.^b For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹ For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ²⁰ Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. 

²¹ So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. ²² For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; ²³ but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. ²⁴ What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? ²⁵ Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! 

A follow up thought...

There are those who require of us a deep love for Jesus just to be around, and those who cause us to love Jesus more by just being around.  Strive to be the latter of the two types of people.

A Confession

I have a deep desire to be around people who love Jesus passionately and genuinely.  In fact, I find myself longing to develop significant friendships with those who exude Christ with their lives.  You know, the type of people that just by being around them God uses to well up desires to pursue Him more intimately.  They are, as Paul puts it in 2 Corinthians 2:14, ones whom the fragrance of the knowledge of Christ spreads everywhere.  It is hard to describe people like this.  All I know is that there are those whose love for Jesus is so pure that it makes me want to love Christ more; and selfishly, for my own spiritual growth, I want to be surrounded by people like this.

I was praying about this very desire today, and it hit me.  Am I being what I so desire in others?  Am I helping others fall more in love with Jesus?

I realized that my expectations of other Christ-followers was an expectation I was not making of myself.  And so I make a confession - I have such a long ways to go in this adventure of loving Christ with all that is in me!  My renewed commitment is to be what I so desire in others - and consequently, what Christ desires of me.  I want to be a pure fragrance of the knowledge of Christ that spreads everywhere.

This is my confession.

Convenient Christianity

So why do we look for it?  Why do we try to shape our lives around it?   Like a fascinating fictional character it doesn't exist.  Like an oasis that promises relief for our thirsty souls it doesn't exist.  We hope for it, strive for it, and extend massive amounts of energies toward discovering it, but after all our efforts we are left empty, unsatisfied, and wondering why our faith seems so meaningless.  

I'm talking about a faith that's convenient.  You see, it doesn't exist.  There's no such thing.  No matter how hard we look for it we will never find it.  When you boil it all down a convenient faith is an oxymoron - it can't co-exist.  God never invited us into His great story of redemption solely to make our lives easier.  In fact, much of Scripture speaks of trials, persecution, and hardships as a direct result of our faith.  Christian faith is a wonderful, almost hard to explain, invitation to see past the hardships, and to willingly endure all things for the sake of Christ.  It is becoming so captivated by His love that all things seem to fail in comparison to His great love.

I'm tired and weary.  Not from serving Christ.  Rather, I am exhausted from trying to reduce my faith to a self-serving ideology.  It has been leaving me empty, and I no longer want to chase it.  I'm sure I'll stumble and from time to time by trying to embrace a faith that is completely at odds with what it means to follow Christ.  However, I will do what I can, in my limited understanding, to follow Christ as He intended.  May Jesus uphold this inner desire and give me the strength to follow in His shoes.

Living Intentionally

My friend created this hand-written list that reflected his priorities and values before he suddenly died from a massive heart attack on November 10th.  He was only 56.  Neil was a man who lived intentionally, and he taught me so much about loving God and loving others.  This list certainly reflected Neil's character and passion for God.  

Thanks Neil for living your life in a way that reflected your love for God.  You will be dearly missed.

Neglected..

So I've neglected this little blog.  Maybe I wasn't all that committed to it in the first place.  Sure, that may be part of it, but for some time now there's been little I've had to offer this blog (not that I have tons to offer now).  I was in an intense season of ministry, and my soul had little to offer beyond staying afloat.  I look forward to being able to think more, dream more, and tend to my soul by spending more time with Him.

I stand at the end of the tunnel, in full light, looking forward to what God is going to reveal to me now.  I can't wait to explore.

Colossians 1:9-14 Passage Map

Why don't more Christians, including myself, pray like this?

Colossians 1:9-14 Passage Map 

Motivation: for this reason, since the day we heard about you,

Response/Action: we have not stopped praying for you

What:  and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding.

Goal: and we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way:

How:  

1) bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God,

2) being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might

Purpose: so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully ¹² giving thanks to the Father,

Father’s Role: who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. ¹³ For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, ¹⁴ in whom we have redemption,‌ the forgiveness of sins.

Jesus, Wimps and the Delusional

Religion is for wimps, and faith is for the weak.  Many skeptics have that perception of Christians.  And in some strange way I can't blame them.  It's ok, really.  Christianity is not going to rise and fall on skepticism, at least I don't believe so.  What I find so compelling and interesting is that many skeptics view Christians as faint hearted, miss-guided, delusional, fairy-tale believing folks.  Some think that Christians just need a crutch to get through life, and that's where their faith comes in.  It is nothing more than a coping mechanism to ease the pain and suffering.

While Christians do cling to their faith, especially during hard times, it cannot be said that at the heart of Christianity (that is following Christ's footsteps) is an easy task.  Christianity is to be a Christ follower.  A follower mimics and imitates the leader - it is to follow in the steps of someone.  While Christians may have done little to accurately follow Jesus, it doesn't mean that it is an easy task.  If anything it bodes to how difficult it can be to follow Him!  So my challenge to the skeptics: before assuming Christianity is for the weak-minded, crutch needing people, I kindly invite you to examine the life of Christ before making your final verdict.  Open up the book of John, or any of the other Gospels, and take notice of how He lived His life.  If you do you will most likely see that  Jesus taught a higher ideal that has yet to be matched.  And what Jesus taught was by no means just lip-service, for He lived what He believed and His actions often spoke louder than His words.

I will say it again, following Christ has been one of the most difficult things of my life.  While it has been incredibly rewarding and fulfilling, it has been tough non-the-less.  I have been spiritually crucified with Christ, and I have continually try to live in a state of dying to self. In a completely hedonistic society this no easy task!  

So is Christianity for those who need a crutch? Yup.  There are times where I am completely broken and I absolutely rely on my faith, this I do not deny.  However, most of the time I'm trying to follow Christ by denying myself in order that I might be more like Him and be more satisfied in Him.  If this sounds easy, then I invite you to join me in trying to live like Him.  Perhaps after trying follow in Jesus shoes you'll see Christianity from a whole new perspective. 

Carry the Load...

"For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:30).

I've always wrestled with understanding this comforting verse.  How is following in Christ's shoes easy?  As I've said since the creation of the blog, it has been one of the most challenging experiences of my life.  I have been crushed by my faith.  It has wrecked me.  It has destroyed my old selfish, lost being.  I have been crucified and I no longer live (though I never really was alive before surrendering to Christ).  How is this easy?  Following Christ seems too much for me - not that I am giving up.  I can't.  Something deep within me will not allow for it.  I will press on, and I will follow Christ as best I can.  I will walk in His shoes, the ones that paved a way for me to experience something so wonderful that words cannot completely describe.

The reality is that all struggles I face in life are worth enduring in light of the all that Christ has done for me.  They are insubstantial in comparison to the fullness of Christ in my life.  Christ has carried the load, not by removing the struggle, but by revealing all that He has done for me and the depth of His love and compassion.  So the struggle itself may not be easy, but the burden is light.

Off Center, Totally Consumed

The war between my spirit, which desires godly things, is constantly at war with my old nature.  Sometimes, actually most of the time, I hate the battle.  I want to be done fighting against my fallen nature and I so desire to be perfected in Christ.  How long can I live in this wretched state?

Today I have again renounced the idea that I want Christ to be the center of my life.  Heresy you might cry but is it?  I don't want Christ to be the center of my life, I want Christ to be my life, my everything, totally consumed by Him.  This is so much greater than just Christ simply at the center.  It is Christ all consuming in my life and in my desires.  That is what I want.  I want to want Christ more than anything.  I want to want Christ - that He might be my goal.  I want nothing less and I will not let up till I have reached my ultimate desire -- to be consumed by Christ and His mission for my life.

About Jesus Shoes

Jesus Shoes, an interesting title I know.  It is simple really.  I love wearing flip flops which in some sort of pseudo-religious slang can also be referred to as Jesus shoes.  But the title of this blog carries much more significance than a particular style of shoe I prefer to sport.  The summary of my life goal can be described by this deep-seeded desire that I have to follow in the  shoes of my Hero, my Friend, my King, my Everything, who is my Savior.  His name is Jesus, and His shoes are so hard to follow.  Much of the time I fail.  Even still, driven by a love that wont let me go, I press on toward the goal of striving to obtain the very nature of Christ.  By that I mean emulating His attributes and of course not His divinity, for to do so would be folly and completely grain against the very nature of Christ.  For I'm reminded in Philippians 2 that Christ did not consider equality with God something to be grasped - though He Himself was indeed fully God.  If Christ, being the very nature of God Himself, humbled Himself and didn't consider equality with God something to be grasped, then I, a created finite creature who is marred by sin and full of shortcomings, can in no way assume even the slightest ability for obtaining divinity - far from it!  I want to simply walk in His shoes, and do all I can to love God and others in the same way Jesus did as described the Gospels.

So why Jesus Shoes?  Well, to be perfectly honest, I love to write.  It is almost therapeutic for me.  While I'm not eloquent or superior with words (I actually hated English in school - it was by far my least favorite subject), I do rather enjoy writing.  I don't know what it is about writing that is so compelling for me.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm strange because of this desire.  Then I think about - there's no such thing as normal for we really are all strange in our own sense.  We all have quirks.  Perhaps mine is writing.

I actually miss writing as I'm not taking classes right now (I'm working in my Master of Ministry degree).  While I don't always enjoy the course work as it adds considerably business, I do miss writing.  But I also like to journal.  I like to look back and read through what God has been teaching me and laying on my heart.  So in Jesus Shoes you will likely find ramblings, musings, spiritual longings, prayers, and I'm sure incoherent thoughts and ideas. But the initial goal of Jesus Shoes isn't for the benefit of potential readers (though that would be encouraging) but selfishly more for the author, if that makes any sense.  We will see where this all goes.

Before I close this first post I have to say happy birthday to my wonderful wife.  She is an amazing woman who compels me to seek Christ in many ways.  I love her dearly.